“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?”

“The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread, cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-’n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.”