12 floaties to get your swim on

It’s hot AF outside. But don’t complain — just get to the beach or pool and enjoy an afternoon you’d have killed for in January. To help you relax and induce FOMO on your Instagram followers, I’ve put together a list of some of the best pool floaties out there and given them all names because it’s fun. The best tan lines may be no tan lines, but don’t go too crazy, leather is best left to saddles. So without further ado, meet your new summer friends.

Ice Cream Sandy – So much sweeter than that awful Hurricane. Unless you like dilapidated beachfront property and flooded subway stations.

Pretzel Pete – He has enough to go around for the three of ya.

Pamela the Pineapple – Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light.
Some people need to have somebody with the edge of surrender in sight. Don’t you worry, it’s gonna be alright ’cause Pam is always ready, she won’t let you out of her sight.

Don Donut – I’m just going to start naming more stuff Don in hopes that someday we won’t associate it with our embarrassing excuse for a president.

Whoopee Cushion Goldberg – Bless us, oh Lord, for these Thy gifts which we are about to receive. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no pools, I will fear no heat exhaustion. It’s the 25th anniversary of Sister Act, y’all!

Pedro the Pizza – If you vote for pizza, all your wildest dreams will come true.

Annie Avocado – I could be making morning toast, eating a late night burrito, or treating myself to a smoothie. I’m always thinking of Annie.

Paloma P. Popsicle – She’s as much of a staple as the girl next door.

Cactus Carl – “I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.” – Demetri Martin


Toilet Tommy – If you really want to creep out your friends, this exists.

Popcorn Paige – We’re Holiday Matinee. How could we leave out this classic part of the movie experience?

Bruce Bacon – Bruce is probably the reason you’re not a vegetarian.